Hello everybody, and welcome to an exposed post... about myself.
This might just get buried seeing how I'm completely irrelevant nowadays, but I felt like it and life is pointless anyway so here goes.
Quick recap: I used to run a meme-channel called "Jimbendoto" that started out making montage videos and eventually evolved into a mostly gameplay centric channel. This post will be about a show I created and also ended known as "Silly Builds".
I am fairly certain the show was never very appreciated by the average Reddit user, but maybe you'll still enjoy seeing me analyze my past mistakes and flaws. I'll be as honest and hard on myself as I can. Feel free to comment if you think I misrepresented something or missed important details.
Back in 2014 I ended up accidentally starting the fairly well-viewed youtube video series "Silly Builds". The first video was recorded when I was very sleep-deprived and talked all silly like. This proved very effective and thus I ended up purposefully exaggerating my accent and personality very heavily in future videos. I kept making more of these videos as the channel grew very rapidly. I got to make videos with Siractionslacks, Pyrionflax and Trymike4instance to name a few, and experienced some short-lived fame.
Thanks to this I ended up making enough money to move out of the shithole I lived in (a 140euro apartment with no heating) and with this, could get wired internet (had 4g previously). Because of the internet upgrade, I could start streaming on Twitch. I managed to get partnered and achieved a sub button, but this is where the problems started to show.
I was always very emotional when I played Dota 2. I got very ecstatic and hype when things would go my way, but similarly, if they didn't I could become quite toxic. In my videos I would only feature the best games I played, so there was quite a disconnect between my stream and my youtube channel. I also didn't play up my persona as much on twitch which didn't help. Thanks to this and some pc issues I didn't do very well on twitch (80-150 avg. viewers compared to 500k avg. views on Silly Builds videos). I ended up ultimately blaming this on my own audience and the Dota 2 community as a whole, rather than look inwards and realize that I was the problem. The more videos I made the larger this disconnect would become.
I focused more on trying to grow on twitch, but I had a very bad mindset in general. I tended to view myself as the most important piece of the puzzle. I thought that if I had a bad game I would drop viewers, and therefore my enjoyment of the game was more important than anyone else's. I had a hard time seeing things from my teammates perspective and I must've been a pain in the ass to play with, to put it lightly.
Finally, I ended up closing down the Silly Builds show because of this disconnect. I didn't like the overexaggerated persona that I had created, and I fundamentally had an issue with how I produced the show. I didn't put a lot of effort into most videos, and I thought that most of the series was pretty overrated and felt like I didn't deserve the attention that it garnered. I tried to focus on Dota 2 without Silly Builds for a while, but thanks to my own toxic mindset I stopped enjoying the game pretty fast. I tried for a short time to branch away from Dota 2, but that did not last very long.
For a long period after closing down the show I received a lot of messages to restart the series. I tried to explain my disdain for the videos for a while but eventually, I grew tired of the same question multiple times per day. I started to dislike my very own fans just for mentioning the show and grew more and more agitated against my old audience. From my POV, I got very frustrated when I would spend 40-50 hours on a video just to have half the comments be about an old show I no longer wanted to produce. In hindsight this mindset is bad. Of course old fans of something will want more, even if I didn't enjoy the show myself. Sadly, in a fit of rage on Saturday evening, I ended up deleting the entire video series permanently off of my youtube channel.
I very much regret this decision to this day and wish I could undo it, I do not have it saved anywhere. I still love the idea of the show, I just hate how I executed that idea. On this topic, I give full permission to reupload AND profit off of the Silly Builds videos if anyone happens to have them saved somewhere. There's a few videos on youtube already, here are some that I could find. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3xcVKp0ZGM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WfdYLBc7TM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROIh56ggo1A
To end this long post, I would like to say sorry to anyone that I have treated poorly thanks to my own hubris and shitty mindset. I have been working to improve my thought process and correct my toxic behavior, but I still have a long way to go. I'm also very sorry that I disappointed the community by making such a dramatic exit without an explanation. I have now been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and chronic depression, which could partly explain some of my past behavior. I don't see this as an excuse though, I believe we all control our actions to some extent even when we are influenced by certain conditions. I am to blame, that is the moral of this story.
Probably this post is all too late and will get buried and downvoted. But if anyone reads this all the way through, thank you for your time. Thanks to OG I have now rediscovered some of my past love for the game and am experimenting once again. Dota is one hell of an experience and I can't believe I'm still coming back to it after 10+ years.
TL;DR. Washed up former youtube mini-celebrity. Made Silly Builds videos with an overexaggerated persona of myself. Created a big disconnect between my twitch and youtube persona and blamed the fans instead of myself. Got tired of making a show I wasn't even proud of and eventually stopped it. Deleted the entire show in a fit of rage due to a lack of understanding as to why people liked the show and wanted to distance myself from the character I myself created.
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